Your Empty Nest

I just got off the phone with my daughter Julie. From the sound of her voice, I can sense how much she enjoyed her stay in the university; her new home. I was almost in the verge of tears when she talked about how she cooked her lunch all by herself. I just can’t hide how much I’ve missed her. I wanted to talk to her some more but she was in a hurry to go to her next class. There was so much to say, yet so little time. I tell myself, how quickly time flies. Just when you were just catching up with her, then there she goes to college.

It’s been a week since she left the house. I’ve sobbed a couple of times. I’ve taken longer walks. At the grocery store, I often stop at the meat tray and ask myself how much should I buy? Now that she’s gone, I’ll only need half as much food. Then unconsciously I start bugging myself with so many questions. Does she eat on time? Does she drink clean water? Who are her friends? What is she doing by now? It’s never easy to be a mother. But I also know that this not easy for her. Now that she’s on her own, I have to be strong and she has to be brave. How I wish I could have talked to her more about life, relationships and about money.
I have some concepts about money that I’d like to teach her. I’m no expert on this as I, myself, experience financial troubles but I’m sure she’ll learn a thing or two from my experiences. When she gets back, this is what I’m going to tell her, just so I won’t forget.
Money is neither good nor bad. It’s only a tool. We cannot judge a person based on his bank account but money can tell a person’s true nature. It all depends on how we use it.
Money can’t buy you happiness. Rich people aren’t necessarily happy just because they have more money than the rest of us. More often than not, they’re more stressed. It’s all a matter of perspective. If you always want more, you’ll always be struggling. The happiest people are those who are satisfied with what they have.
Companies want your money! All those advertisements and promotional campaigns are used by companies who spend so much just to get you to spend your money on them. Don’t believe everything you see, in the internet, even in the news! Be critical before making any decision. If you find something confusing, I’ll always be a phone call away.
Pay attention to your money. Now that you receive your allowance monthly, you should start making a budget. Save a part of your money and spend the rest as you see fit. Track everything you buy.
Save as much as you can for later. It won’t hurt to put off buying the latest pair of shoes and putting the money in your savings account. It may be hard at first since I know you adore shoes but you have to hear me on this. Even just for emergency reasons, please, start saving.
Avoid borrowing money, unless it’s really important; like a matter of life and death!
Don’t envy other people’s money! It won’t do you no good because there will always be other people who have more than you do. But remember that there are also more people who have less. You’re probably better off than most of them who just pretend to have a lot. My mother always told us to use our money properly and live within our means.
If you are in the position to help, you have an obligation to help. You are lucky to be born in a rich country where a lot of opportunities are within your reach. If given a chance, don’t hesitate to give back to those who need your help. Handling your own money will give you a sense of independence but remember that it is also a responsibility, so handle it with care.
Finally, don’t forget that “it’s not all about the money”. There was once a woman in her mid-twenties who worked for a multi-national company and was about to be promoted. That time, she found out she was about to be a mother. It was either she could lose her job or lose the baby. Eight months later, she gave birth to a beautiful girl and named her Julie. It was one of the wisest decisions I’ve ever made. You will always be my most precious treasure.
To all the mothers out there, if you have any more tips for my Julie, I’ll be glad to add it on my list.

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If you’ve ever sent a child off to college; that’s usually the first question you would ask; can I trust them? Who’s the “them”?  Of course, it’s the college your child is going to spend the next four years of his or her life. With the countless school-related mishaps, you just can’t help but entertain some sense of paranoia when your son or daughter leaves your home to live far away from you. Call me overprotective but I’ve spent every hour I could spare bringing up my Eunice. From PTA meetings to her volleyball practices, I was always there looking out for her.

Now, she is moving out and as much as I do trust her, I stand here with more uncertainty than I care to admit. Will a school thousands of miles away watch out for her welfare? Will they do everything in their power to keep her away from harm? I just couldn’t bear the thought of anything happening to my precious Eunice. Should I call the dorm she is going to stay in to make sure she’s alright? Why don’t I pay her a visit over the weekend? It shouldn’t be too much trouble to take a flight over to where she is.

Frantically, I started calling numbers of parents sending their kids to the same college. They all let out a soft chuckle and told me to relax. They assured me my Eunice was going to one of the safest schools in America. How are they sure of that? Anything can happen at any time! How can they evenly sleep soundly at night without worrying about their children? Just as I was about to pick up the phone to make flight, my sister knocked on the door. With tears in my eyes, I let her in.

My sister had always known my idiosyncrasies and she was not at all surprised to find me in tears. After boring her with laments over trust issues I had, she gently reassured me that Eunice was a smart girl who would also seek to do what’s right. Regardless of whether the college was safe of not, I had to trust that my daughter would always find a way to stay away from any such predicaments. It so turns out my sister knew my daughter better than I did.

It’s just natural for parents like me to feel a certain amount of anxiety and trepidation over their child leaving for college. Instinctively we build trust issues and develop a great fear for the unknown. My sister was kind enough to help me see that Eunice was grown up and she no longer needed me to watch out for her at every turn of her life. She has to learn to make her own decision and exercise her own judgment and intelligence.  We all should learn to empower or children and place our utmost trust in them. Questioning whether a school is trustworthy is counterproductive, so why lose sleep over things you can’t control?

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We made her from scratch. She has my eyes and his hair, but her personality is completely  her own.  For 18 years, we watched her grow into a woman with the occasional falter.  A week ago my husband and I tearfully saw the room of her childhood get packed into boxes.  Her closet was completely emptied, the pictures from her walls were taken down, even her bookshelves looked empty. It was time for our Shannon to move away to college; to move across the country from us.

As hard as it was for my husband and I to send our Shannon away, our emotions were overwhelmed by her infectious excitement to begin adulthood.  Leaving her dormitory on move-in day, I hugged my daughter, tears streaming down my face knowing I would not see her again until Thanksgiving.  Her response was not what I had hoped for.  She didn’t shed a single tear, I couldn’t hear a lump in her throat when she said “goodbye” – she didn’t even walk us to our car. Don’t get me wrong, I could understand her eagerness to start college, but I was hoping for at least one tear.  Had we raised a robot?! Even my husband, who hates when Shannon cries (it scares him into some sort of rage where only video games can calm him down), was shocked by her inanimate goodbye.  We had planned to spend weeks upon weeks mourning the exodus of our daughter, but after seeing her total disregard for our feelings, we decided to revel in our own independence from parenthood.  Once we got home and walked into our empty, quiet house, our retribution subsided.  What could we possibly do that would fill the gap of our daughter?  I’ve spent the past week reading books, having lunch with my friends, talking on the phone with my mother, but nothing seems to fill the satisfaction I got out of being a hands-on mother.  I guess I’ll have to pick up a new hobby, but what?

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          Today’s post comes from Lisa Robinson of The Zeno Group, which is the first major public relations agency with a consultancy devoted to American women! Enjoy and make sure to take a look at Lisa’s site!

          The packing has begun. Freshman year begins officially in four weeks and the house is aflutter with Bed, Bath & Beyond Coupons (we have 50), Staple’s circulars and boxes. Amid the packing tape and handling instructions are portable pieces of my daughter’s life. She has chosen with care the personal items to bring 5,000 miles away to help make her dorm a bit like home. As a mom who has always travelled with a near-full medicine cabinet and drives a car voted by friends as, “the car we most want to be stranded in,” due to the inordinate amount of survival supplies, what tools can I give my daughter to cope with any disaster she might encounter?

          It is as though I can send her away, just as long as I know she is safe from any harm that could ever happen in life. I know there are a ton of books on surviving college, but I cannot find chapters on, “How to Survive and Instantly Mend a Broken Heart.” Where is the elixir for, “A Really Horrible, Bad Day?” What secret charm can I affix around her neck (there must be an amulet out there) that provides a protective bubble that when bad things head her way, they simply bounce off. That pain in your heart that you feel when you first see a child being mean to yours on the playground, evolves over the years. It matures, as they do, with the knowledge that learning to fall down is as important as learning to get back up. We all know the dangers of rescuing our kids and most have managed to overcome the need to solve their problems. But now, as I watch my daughter on the verge of a wonderful new chapter, I yearn to stamp a sign on her (perhaps below her tattoo) that says, “Please World Handle with Care.”

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      After a very memorable, enjoyable summer a few years back, our oldest son began packing for his freshman year in college.  Trying to let him be independent and not feel like Mom was peering over his shoulder, I continued my own daily routine.  Bill, my husband, was working out of town, so this packing slash moving-in experience was going to be mine to accomplish with Billy alone.  In two days we’d be driving the four hour drive to his university where he’d spend the next four years of his life.  I thought we had plenty of time.  I spent that first afternoon baking some oatmeal cookies that I knew would travel well and would stay fresh in a Rubbermaid container.  After dinner that night I wandered into Billy’s room and noticed his meticulous closet and dresser drawers had been emptied into three suitcases and three United Van Lines boxes.  There was still a lot of “stuff” sitting around, but he’d made a major dent.  Bill called and asked about our progress.  I said we were good and ready to pack the car. 

       The next day we woke early, knowing we needed to pack the car, get down to my parents’ home which was 15 miles from Billy’s university, have dinner, talk about Billy’s upcoming adventure, then get up the following morning to drop Billy off to begin his college experience.  We opened the back hatch of my Ford Explorer, put down the back seat to provide more packing space, then Billy, Jimmy and I began hauling Billy’s bedroom our to the car.  We filed out in line, placing the suitcases and boxes successfully in the car.  Next came the computer keyboard, screen, tower,towels, stereo, C.D.s, books, pictures, posters, mini refrigerator still in it’s box, blender…..are you getting the picture? It’s not all going to fit!  Okay, everything back out and placed on our front lawn.  Neighbors drove by, slowed down, rolled down windows to which I’d say “I know, we’ve overpacked.” We opened the suitcases under the shade of our oak tree and started wading through what Billy had packed.  I had to step in.  “Billy, you won’t need your UGGS in Southern California.  Billy, you won’t need your swim team jacket in Southern California. And on and on.  An hour later the car was packed, leftovers having been hauled back into Billy’s bedroom, and the three of us embarked on our road trip towards Billy’s freshman year.  Next blog-moving Billy in.

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This post is brought to you by Mindy from Mommies With Cents

Enjoy!

The term “Empty Nest” can be used in a few different ways. Maybe you’ve experienced “Empty Nest Syndrome” when your child went away to college or when your child moved out to get married. I am going to experience my first “Empty Nest” experience this next school year. My daughter is headed to preschool. dun dun duuunnn

Since she turns 3 in October, she will not be old enough to go at the beginning of the year, but the school is going to evaluate her and get her started in January- half way through the school year. She has NEVER been away from me! (Enter waterworkss!) Being a stay-at-home mom is challenging, but I never realized the bond I have formed with her until I started thinking about her being away from me.

Millions of thoughts have gone through my mind. “What if she’s scared that I’m not there?” Even worse, “What if she doesn’t even realize that I’m not there and doesn’t miss me?” These are all common feelings for any parent. The best way to ease Empty Nest Syndrome is to start preparing for the big day. Prepare mentally and physically for the transition between your child(ren) and yourself. Also, stay busy with your child(ren) gone. Volunteer, get a job, or tend to other children. This will make the time a little easier.

Whether it be preschool, college, marriage, or just moving out, know that your child(ren) is only a phone call away. Sit back, relax and take a deep breath. They will be with you in your heart and mind and will never forget the time they have had with you and value it just as you have valued your time with them.

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Mindy is a wife and mother of two- a daughter, Reese (October 06) and a son, Ty (November 08). She met her husband in college and has been married since 2003. Mindy resides in Southern Indiana and is a Kentucky/Indiana girl at heart. She has a B.A. in Advertising and is currently working on her MBA in Health Care Management. She really enjoys blogging and gets excited when she saves money! Mindy is a social butterfly and enjoys spending her spare time with friends and family.

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Today we have a guest post written by Maureen LoBue of www.meanmomsclub.com.   Enjoy!

     Ahh, the bugle cry of back to school. Does joy at the sound of the school bell make you feel like a mean mom? That alone should not do it. But that, along with a plan based on the three R’s to take charge for a smooth transition, should. It takes a mean mom to get everyone back in the structured mode of the new school schedule.

     Remember the three R’s of being a student? Well, now that you’re a mom of students, you have a whole new set of Three R’s to live by:

1.     Reality

2.     Responsibility and

3.     Routine

     We all know that our reality is totally different from our kids’ realities. So here lies the first challenge. Mean Mom’s Club: The Mean Mom’s Rule Book includes the rule There’s a difference between need and want…and I’ll tell you which it is. This rule is critical in following the first of the Three R’s. When your son says he needs that t-shirt that hangs down to his knees and has the manufacturer’s logo splashed across the front, all for a measly $45, somebody has to bring this dude back to reality: mean mom reality! His reality is of course that of strutting down the hall looking cool. Your reality is that you have $150 for his total back to school wardrobe including shoes, socks, and underwear. The t-shirt is not happening.

     My 11 year old son once stood in the store aisle in tears because I refused to buy that t-shirt. I told him to let me know when he was finished so we could get on with our errands. He lived without the cool t-shirt and was not ostracized from his friends, much to his dismay. If we all refused to buy into this nonsense, the kids would be dressed in basic, inexpensive clothes and the competition would go away. We’re in charge, mean moms!

     As a mom, it is your primary goal to teach your kids to become responsible so that when they grow up they can take care of themselves and will move out. A good mean mom does not have 22 year old children living at home. By that age they are adults on their own and that bedroom is your party or yoga room! Back to school is a perfect time to work on responsibility skills. The rule You’ll always be my baby…no matter how old you are will help to set up a realistic plan for responsible behavior at different ages. Kids progress through specific developmental stages, each with its own milestones regarding how they think, how they see the world, and what they can manage.

     The responsibility R must be done with both developmental stages and your family values in mind. What rules are important in your house? Do beds need to be made in the morning? Do kids need to get themselves up and fed on their own? They might be able to do some or all of this depending on their development.

     The other critical consideration in this part of your plan is enforcement. The rule I brought you into this world…and I can take you out talks about the difference between punishment and teaching and when each might be most effective. This part of the plan absolutely must be set up and communicated from the beginning, not thrown in helter-skelter as rules are broken.

     That point leads to the last of the Three R’s, routine. Kids feel safe when they have a routine they can count on. They feel safe and loved when the rules are always the same and always enforced. The job of a good mean mom is to be on top of those rules every day and enforce them consistently no matter what.

     This R is sometimes the hardest to stay on top of. Two rules will help.  I’m going to be the perfect mom…yeah right emphasizes the need to have and use a support network. Being a mom is the toughest job out there and it never ends. I get to be President of the mean moms club gives you the strength to stay on top of the plan even in the face of tantrums and tears and “I hate you!”

     It’s up to us as good mean moms to help kids understand what they need vs. what they want, learn to take responsibility for the things they can do, and to create and reinforce a routine they can count on as they transition from the freedom of summer to the structure of the new school year. Back to school can be a smooth transition for kids and parents if you just follow the Three R’s: Reality, Responsibility, and Routine.

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      Having packed up my classroom last Friday for a much anticipated summer vacation, I have spent the past week packing up my house to begin a new “home adventure” with my husband.  We are now full fledged empty nesters having gotten both of our boys successfully through college. We are now ready to start a new adventure without our boys.

      I’ve had some interesting, reflective moments on the cement floor of our garage over the past seven days.  As I sifted through several boxes labeled by our youngest son, Jimmy, a recent Citadel graduate, I saw one box marked “Jimmy’s Important Stuff”  I cut the strapping tape from the box, folded back the lid and came across a long roll of POGS.  Remember those?  In the 90’s, kids would play POGS against each other and win or lose them from a fellow player.  Oh, no; not Jimmy.  He would sit and watch kids play POGS at their big brothers and sisters swim meets but hoard his-never taking the lid off the tube of POGS.  Jimmy was even known to say “POGS are my life”.   Next, I came to box after box labeled “Jimmy’s cereal boxes” Remember when Wheeties featured an athlete every week or so on the front of the box? Well, we obviously are still the proud owners of all of those cereal boxes. 

      Then, I came to Billy’s boxes marked “Billy’s baseball cards.  I opened each box to find index cards sticking up labeled with alphabet letters from A to Z separating the players by last name. These memories mixed in with every stub from every Dodger game, MidState Fair ticket stubs, stuffed Sponge Bobs, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures, a stuffed Lion King from Disneyland, yearbooks, and on and on and on. Not only do I have all of the boys’ memoribilia to repack and move, but they left us with their two 17 year old cats, Shaver Lake and Cleo.  I’ve been told old cats will move to a new home easily if you apply peanut butter to their paws.  I’m not sure whether moving the cats of the memoribilia will be easier.

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          It’s time to take down the crepe paper streamers and retire the banner across the garage door congratulating your Senior in high school for graduating.  You feel a sense of let down—as though all your focus for the past 365 days has been on getting your Senior, your 18 year old treasure to this point.  Graduation was memorable—brothers, sisters, possible Grandma and Grandpa and a few friends were in attendance.  You prepared an easy sandwich buffet so guests could nibble and sip while you ironed that last crease out of your Senior’s gown and everyone felt comfortable in your home as the attention focused on your Senior, your pride and joy, your child, your life. 

          And before you knew it, someone at the party said it was time to head to the stadium to get a good parking place.  You looked around the room realizing these were the people who meant the most to your Senior-who supported your Senior through all of this and were here to celebrate this accomplishment…graduation from high school.  The ceremony was endearing, at times annoying with a family much too boisterous for their child…but it was a special occasion for all involved in your family.  Now what?  You’ve heard friends talk about this empty nest syndrome but you have all summer until this will affect you.  NO YOU DON’T!  WAKE UP! THIS IS IT! 

          Each day this summer will be a memory, a milestone in and of itself.  There will be the last few family barbeques, final fireworks on the Fourth of July, trips to the mall to begin gathering things for the freshman dorm room, renting movies for the family to enjoy with buttery popcorn and suntea, summer trips to visit Grandma and Grandpa, Aunts and Uncles and cousins you’ve all grown up with.  Reflect on the memorable high school years with all the ups and downs and prepare yourself for the next chapter—even more exciting and emotional than you can imagine!  Enjoy this summer and realize you’re a “Senior Survivor” as you survived that Senior year and you will enjoy this next phase, too.  It will be a tricky, emotional, fun packed experience.  Take a moment each day to breathe, to reflect, to appreciate.  ENJOY! 

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