Crying teens.

 

Crying teens will always be a fact and how we react is to them is very important.  Since it is natural for a teen to cry, our reaction should be natural as well.  Shaming, teasing, and Lord forbid, punishing is out of order. That kind of response could become damage that the teen has to carry for years to come. 

I remember when I was a young girl how my uncle would put a dress on my boy cousins and make them walk around the block.  This was his response to the boys if they would cry for any reason.   This was really hurtful to them.  And they do not have a relationship with their step dad any longer. 

 

The teenage years are some of the most dramatic years in our lives.  

 

Hormones kick in and what was usually difficult becomes impossible. Disappointments become disasters.  Break-ups become the end of the world and “I will never fall in love again” is no longer the lyrics to a song, but means the teen is doomed to a life of loneliness.

 

If this is not enough, a teen’s body suddenly hates them and some gain weight and some become tall and stick thin. Complexions that were as smooth as a baby’s bum are now bumpy, red, and “I’m so ugly” pops out of their perfectly formed mouths.

Our response that “it is not true” and “they are lovely” is greeted with hysterical cries and a sprint to their room. Next the slam of their door shakes the house.

Am I exaggerating? Probably not.

 

Boys and girls are both quick to tears in their teen years.

 

So what is the right reaction?  Validating their feelings comes first. I was taught a little phrase years ago.  Three words, feel, felt, found.  Confirmation that their feelings are real and ok, empathetic words that “I have felt the same way”.  But what I’ve found is… Of course this too shall pass.  Everything always passes. I don’t mean to make light of how they feel. I remember being that crying teen.

 

How we react with our teens throughout the years, will likely be carried into their parenting skills. Teens experience sorrow, experience disappointments and rejection. Sports activities, cheerleading, and even choir include tryouts, peer pressure, and loss.  No wonder why tears are so close to the surface. As well as, hormonal wack-out.

 

Jesus was a crying man too; tears are natural.

Christ was the perfect example of man here on earth. From Him we learn even grown men cry when appropriate. Christ wasn’t afraid to show his emotions when a close friend died. Tears were ok for Him; and they are ok for others. 

 

“Crying is a normal, healthy behavior that has both a biological and social basis,” said Cheryl Rode, vice president of clinical operations at the San Diego Center for Children and a licensed clinical child psychologist. “It can be a release for stress or emotional energy, and it can serve as a communication tool to share emotions or seek comfort.”

 

Rode said that tears are often a response to intense emotions. “The mechanisms that initiate crying are related to our limbic system — the part of our brain that controls emotions,” she said. “Childhood is a time of developing greater control over emotional regulation.”

 

So how do we react to crying teens?

• Be the good example of healthy emotions,

• acknowledge that crying is natural and confirm their feelings,

• talk with them when it is appropriate and you are in a private environment, 
• And remind them that this situation is a stepping stone in life.

There are at least 2 types of crying teens.

 

The first type is one who cries all the time, no matter what, over anything. They are over emotional in joy and sorrow.  What to watch for in these situations are signs of teen depression.  Depression is different from emotions.  Changes in appetite, activity level, and what they are attracted to help us to see whether it is depression or not. Depression can be treated. However, being a teenager can not.

The second type is appropriate crying. If we remember that emotions run high in our teenage years, we can expect to see tears.  Joy can be expressed with tears.  And sorrow can be expressed with tears. Mourning the loss of a family member, friend or even a movie star is natural also. And don’t forget the loss of a boy or girlfriend.

 

What more can a parent do?

 

In the 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman unlocked the secret of meeting the spiritual and emotional needs of your partner and family.  If you learn the principals of the 5 Love Languages you will be able to connect with people in your family, and out.

 

Knowing the 5 love languages will help.  Does your teen need Physical Touch?  Hug them. Is Positive Affirmations their love language? Tell them that you are proud of them for expressing their feelings. Does your teen crave Quality Time? Spend time sitting down with them, beside them, and listening. Is Acts of Service their love language? Make their favorite meal for them. Finally, does your teen treasure Gifts from people?  Gifts do not have to be presents. The gift of a song, a small memento, or even a secret can fulfill this need. 

The best way to respond to a crying teen is with love.

Crying is natural, age appropriate, and expected.  Assess the cause and validate their feelings.  No, they won’t “Just Die” over a broken heart.  However, emotions and the way they are expressed are important to watch.  Teen depression is very real.

 

Journaling is a great way to work through the emotions of your life.  Joys as well as sorrows, success and failure can be journaled.  Here is a guide to help you get started journaling.  If you find it would be helpful, let me know and I would be happy to send you the matching journal.  

We would love for you to join the conversation and leave a comment.  Smiles, Beth