While reflecting on the parenting experience, I wondered how learning from your parenting mistakes can make you a better Empty Nest parent. It is not too late to change, ever. Relationships can be repaired, and communication can get better as well as bonds can be strengthened.
These are the most common parenting mistakes that can be repaired.
- Communication barriers
- Bonding issues
- Trust Problems
- Over Parenting
Let’s look at each of them and figure out how learning from your parenting mistakes will enhance your current relationship with your grown children.
Communication is an issue that becomes exaggerated during the teen years. It is just a fact that your teen and you are in different worlds during puberty. Things you said and answers they gave were often misunderstood. Now that your child is an adult, a candid conversation with them can repair some of the damage and start improving your communication from here.
During your conversation, ask your child to define her/his view of your troubled communications. This will let you know where to start the repair. Ask your child to tell you of a conversation that went wrong. Then listen.
Validating their feelings is the first step to take to repair communication problems. This lets them know that you have heard them, understood them, and acknowledge their pain. Often the conversation in question was taken in the wrong way. Ask your child if it is ok to tell your side of the story. As adults the conversation can be discussed rationally.
Bonding issues are sometime a huge hurdle to overcome. Recently I had a heart-to-heart conversation with my grown daughter. I asked her to forgive me for the things that have caused her pain in her adult life. There were many instances when I just did not live up to her expectations as a mother, and as a grandmother.
Forgiveness is the first step to bonding issue repairs.
Ask your child to explain why they feel that there is a rift between you. You may or may not have committed the crime that your child remembers. However, if they are injured, they need to hear that you are sorry that they have been hurt.
It may not be easy to repair bonding issues.
Talking about it and asking for forgiveness for their pain is a great place to start. Relationships can be repaired; bonds can strengthen. and communication can get better. My daughter believes that many of her life’s decisions were based on my failure to continue the bond we had when she was in high school. In actuality the adult child is responsible for their own decisions in their lives. Revisit the situation if needed and make sure you make a plan with them moving forward. I asked her to forgive me and to refrain from bringing my errors up again, as this hurts me. She honestly said that she may not be able to do that, but that it is her own fault not mine. I respect her response and we have had a better relationship recently.
Trust is sometimes a difficult subject, but good communication can help to start the repair.
Communication can get better as well, and bonds can also be strengthened. Once again communication with your adult child can start the healing process. Without open conversation about the why, you do not have a starting point. When opening the conversation, explain the reason why you want to talk about trust between you. What is the situation today and why did the situation start?
Validate their thoughts on the problem.
The situation may not have happened at all. However, his/her feelings are very real. If there is an actual situation of mistrust, talk about a set of new rules. New rules can include open conversation. Relationships can be repaired, and communication can get better as well as bonds can be strengthened. New rules can include frequent time together. New rules can include a promise to talk things over before a decision is made that impacts both of you.
Over parenting is a very common problem for empty nesters and their adult children.
I discussed this in a prior post regarding over parenting and I go into a bit more information there. But now we will talk about it again. Some people refer to over parenting as being a hover parent, it could have been your way during your children’s whole life, but as adults it needs to stop.
On the website Best Life, they call it Snowplow Parenting. They explain, “Parents these days tend to default to doing things for their child that they could very well do for themselves with some effort. And in doing so, they’re likely holding their children back from reaching their full potential”. Your adult children in other words, grown adults, are responsible for their own decisions, and it is actually a safe place for you in your relationship, as they cannot blame you for the outcome.
Over parenting should be an easy problem to solve, but often isn’t. But relationships can be repaired with work.
As a parent of a grown child, you should just stop hovering, as your child can view this as interfering in their lives and it is unwanted. However, it is easier to say than do. Frequent chats and visits can help with your need to parent and should help you stop over parenting.
In conclusion, we have found that communication between you and your adult child is the first place to start with repairing issues between you. Relationships can be repaired, and communication can get better as well as bonds can be strengthened.
We can harm our relationships with our grown children even more by giving advice when it is not requested because it is meddling, as well as holding a grudge when there is a problem. So, forgive and forget, however, I know, that sounds like a cliché.
I designed this set of conversation starters with restoration in mind. They can be used in complex situations as well as simple family situations. Starting with favorites can ease you into a pleasant conversation. However the next page covers memories, good and bad. Talk it out. The final sheet is entitled, “Finish the thought”. It will help to end the conversation with thought and hopefully laughter. Print out as many as you need.
Click the link for the download for the Free Printable Conversation Starter.
If you have any input or personal stories that will enhance this post, we would love to hear them.
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